After three days of driving it seems like the road does take away lots of things, everything makes sense, everything that felt real or pressing recedes, diminished until it almost wasn’t there at all, everything belongs to the road, suspended in this time it doesn’t matter, you might feel half out your mind going crazy with everything you remember or the future that scares you cos suddenly you know what you want and you want it so bad, you might be crying behind your shades, thankful that they’re dark and hoping the tears don’t get in your eyes or you might be laughing like a loon with no one there to hear, but none of it matters, it’s all allowed. And things that didn’t before suddenly seem to make sense, escape and honesty seem easy, you’re on the outside more than ever, but that doesn’t matter either, you think you can see everything the way it should be seen and it’s all fine and better even than great, until. Until you stop, or go back, that’s when I fall hard. That’s when the new resolutions slip away, when I worry that I might disappoint people by not saying what they want to hear, when I forget that I’m not all that important, no one really cares all that much or for all that long.

I want to still be driving.

Coming back I thought I might have stepped through the looking glass, it felt good.

Tomorrow I will get back in the car and start again. Maybe it’s called running away. Maybe it’s just called driving. Maybe it doesn’t matter what it’s called. What anything’s called anymore.

I want so many things. Things I need. Things I don’t know how to say. Sometimes the future looks so easy, when you’re moving it looks like that. When I’m here it doesn’t, it gets too enmeshed with the past, which I why really I need to leave. Why I need to be honest. I’m never honest, not properly; I don’t even know what it means hardly. Because I wrap things up in stories, or in words or ideas, or objectivity and can see both sides of everything so well that it becomes about impossible to believe anything. I need to be honest, to speak my needs, to find some water to live next to. And whatever else.