Listening to Bat For Lashes; Two Suns, on the headphones and I remember that early spring afternoon more than a year ago now, we’d split up maybe 6 months before but his Dad had just died and I said I’d go to the memorial so friends drove me through and it was packed and there were no seats and then I found one and I pulled my fringe down low into my eyes so no one would see me and I’d dyed my hair coal black which helped with the disguise and then they all filtered in, all of the family and I knew I should by rights be up there with them with somewhere to sit and someone to hold onto and then I started to cry and partly yes, for the death of his and that there was a man that had once been and was no longer, but it was more and worse than that too, I was crying for me and for him and the way we had been and the way we’d been wrong for so many years but never had the guts to say so and I was crying in some way too for the fall from grace and the way now I was invisble again and I liked it too and soon it was over and we left quietly and quickly and in the car they played bad music to try and make me laugh but still I cried behind my sunglasses and so we played Trophy by Bat For Lashes over and over until it felt better and driving east we had the sun at our back, the journey we’d always used to make together and I knew somewhere in Glasgow they’d be eating sandwiches and fruit cake and drinking whisky at the wake, and missing me like an elephant in the room, but we got back home and went to the pub and I drank too much red wine cause it was on a two for one deal but didn’t eat enough and went home and blacked out same as I always did then and in the morning woke with stained teeth and smudged eyes but it was ok, because it was spring and it would have to get better, that’s what always happened, summer had to come, and you’d get better. And that was the way it was that day, and now I remember it all just like that, maybe cos the album sounds similar, I don’t know and somehow though I feel so far away from then and that girl that didn’t brush her teeth and she frustrates me and I wonder how it took her so long to get over things, and yes there were a lot of things to get over, but still, and I want to think how much better I am from here but then I remember how it’s not that far to fall, and I have less to lose now, but still, it could all tumble so easily and I’d be on the floor again, at the side of the mattress with all my clothes on or maybe off and no way to remember the night before.